After my ego got stomped, i had a conversation with my mom today. She tried talking with me about the military, i kept telling her i have given up any hope of doing something useful, i will just do my service untill i can handle it no more, which i guess will be long before i will be scheduled to finish my two years (Israeli military. I'm sorry if this means nothing to whoever's reading this).

She said that i'm like my father, i'm just good at what i do, but i won't declare it. I never thought about it that way. I'm always so embarassed when i'm asked to talk about my qualities.
I thought about my dad, and how i look in old photo albums to find his love, before i became so angry at him for everything.

She said her greatest concern is that i don't know how great i am. I don't know why i'm tearing. I'm not used to these talks. I'm not used to feeling loved or appreciated. I keep myself away from those feelings.

My left eye hurts. I rub my eyes too much.

One of the most beautiful poems i've ever read:
`So cold. So alone.
Who is she talking to?
For this creature, minutes passed away as a lifetime.
Someone, sometime had left her there.
"I'll only be gone a moment", they had said.
"Wait here". She waited
Crouching, humming sad little songs to herself.
There was a small breeze.
If you see her there, don't tell her what you know.
She does not mind waiting.`
(I'm not really sure who's the writer, but if you can find the cd "12 Taled" with drawings of Amy Brown, then somewhere inside they've got a list in which they tell you who wrote this poem.)

I just keep feeling i don't belong, even in the places where all the people who don't belong get together. I'm just never quite right, never much of anything in particular, i suspect.
I will probably grow old alone just because i have no idea how to get close to another human being. Even my eyes, a strange mixture of brown and green and other un-indentified colors.
I don't know if i can truly love or be loved. I feel so shallow, with this whole subject on my mind, but this seems to be the only resort for these thoughts. I hate being bottled up, and i hate sharing my feelings, because i keep thinking it's useless, nobody will get it, and i don't find it particularly exhilirating.

I've been runnin away, from one place to another, for the past week. I hate being in one place too long, because it feels so crowded in my mind. Running away from stuff i did, and don't think i haven't seen all those shitty movies telling me i can't run away from my past. But i'm 18 and i have the constant urge to get up and go somewhere else. All the time.
I don't know how i've become so helpless, i cringe when people touch me and wish i could just be the arrogant bastard i used to be. I wish i wasn't so passive around people, i'm afraid of a fight because i know i won't win, because no matter how well i can express myself in writing, i'm like a 4-yrs-old when it comes to explaining myself without earlier preperations.

I can't stand people, or places, nor memories. I want to be a selfish bitch, but i can't go along with it for too long. It's terrible for one to find out that she cares.

Eagle Eye Cherry - Save Tonight
"Tomorrow comes with one desire
to take me away"
I want to spend my life with you, why can't you just see it. And you just keep being your wonderful self. What am i to do?

Tim Curry - Sloe Gin
"I hate to go home alone,
But what else is new ?"
I love being with you, but i hate the ride back home. Buses tend to sadden me.

Leonard Cohen - Chelsea Hotel
"Those were the reasons and that was New York,
we were running for the money and the flesh."
I used to love another "you", but i don't know her face anymore because of you.

Porcupine Tree - Pure Narcotic
" No amount of pointless days
Can make this go away"
Am i not useless? I want to tell myself, do something or let go, but i don't seem to be able to do either.

Kimya Dawson - Nobody's Hippie
"you and me will be whirlwinds of danger
We'll crash on our bikes and take candy from strangers"

Good night.

Between posting entries i don't visit here much. But yesterday i did, and saw the most wonderful comment an individual self-nicknamed CurlyJ left on my tagboard. So i dedicate this entry to you, CurlyJ, and all the people who left comments here. Your kindness is the best kind there is, even though i have no idea who you are, and you'll probably not read this, but anyway, thank you.

As for the sex-drive.. well, i have other ideas on my concerning with that, maybe i'll write about it when i feel more sorted out. Things are better, though. I live peacefully with the fact i'm gay, while i live peacefully with the fact i know i don't want this. So i gave the whole subject a rest. Also because of this other idea that gave me a whole new perspective on this issue and why everything always went so wrong for me with sex and other people.

I'm usually straightforward, i don't talk with anyone i don't want to speak with and i get up and leave places when i don't want to be there. But into my life entered some sensitive people. I don't know what to do, it's hard to explain to them i need more time alone than most people do, which is something most of my friends understand, and i usually feel free to say "alright, cool, i'll call you when i feel like talking" and for this new person i keep making plausible excuses. I feel terrible for not being able to explain, i'm so accustomed to people just being used to fact i leave places for no other reason other than my own will to not-be-there, and don't talk for anyone for days.

Soo tudilu, till next time.

At some points of life i write here more, at others less. This place always feels so safe, who's reading it anyway.

Can i talk about how vulnerable i am, though i don't show it at all?
I'm sick, sick, sick of talking about homosexuality. I didn't, and i still don't want this. I know i can't help it, but i don't want to be a lesbian. I thought going to those group meetings would help, they did for a few weeks, now i feel worse. Since when am i so reluctant to leave a place?
For the first time, i feel bad about not belonging. I never belong anywhere. I'm too unsuited for this world, i don't know when did i really feel part of something. Well, that's a lie. I know when, i just can't go back there anywhere, so what's the point.
I cannot handle this world and its people, i'm withdrawing again. I don't know what is this "me" i speak of, i'm so empty, i spend my time just filling my voids and biding my time. I'm so misunderstood but i'm unable to explain myself. So i'm mean. I hurt people, then walk away.

Just a bundle of nothingness. I'm not much better than most of you.

I'm suddenly edgy. I want to scream my lungs out at anything and anybody, instead i lay on my stomach on my parents' bed, trying to relax, my hands shaking and i feel as though i want to cry. I kept thinking, when the hell did i become such a cry-baby, and i guess it's since my grandfather died, that was the first time since age 11 i was absolutely unable to control and withhold the crying any longer.

Spent an adventurous weekend in Tel Aviv, spent too much time with people to the point i was so fed up by the time i got home, my sunday was the suckiest sunday i've had in awhile.
Another strange sexual encounter took place on the weekend. I know it's my fault, i teased her, so later when we were sleeping in the same bed, she took it as play-time, i wasn't really sure i wanted to, a mutual male friend was sleeping on a matress next to the bed we were sleeping on, but she was almost hurting me with her moves, i had to do something. i'm so disturbed, because of our history, because of the strange intersections of my past sexlife and her past sexlife.
I'm not sure i have anything to say about this, i just feel bad about it.

I hate sex.

(Suddenly i noticed all these new things in the entry-editor, i'm not sure what everything does.)

My sexdrive has been pretty much asleep for a couple of months.
Yesterday is was somewhat awoken. Not thoroughly, but enough for me to have the strangest masturbation experience i've yet to have. I was just laying on my bed analyzing the whole process as i went along, pinpointing each shred of a feeling and trying to remember past sexual experiences. (Wondering if i should give someone one-helluva ego-boost. We still talk every now and then) (Also wondering,what the hell was i doing, getting into all sorts of sexual situations without any sexual pleasure in them for me? i was fucking stupid.


Driveby update (?).

Of course i'm fine.

I'm 18 in a couple of days. I figured i wouldn't write anything anyway, so here's my birthday entry. I feel good, though. Nobody knows how good it makes me feel when someone notices i'm abit stranger than usual, it makes me feel as though there's more to life than just being with myself.

I read entries from the time around my 16th birthday. I was doing well.

Waiting for some answers (crossing my fingers for an HIV-negative, which is what i expect should result from that horrid blood-test), things are changing quickly, for no apparent single reason i seem to be swiftly changing my clothing style from comfortably unisex to explicitly female, i've gotten used to female-sized pants and for the first time in my life, a ring rests in it's place on my finger.

I keep thinking, we would be so perfect for each other, why can't you just see it and deem it worth the troubles of travel? I keep asking myself, why? And now that i think about it, i should say, well, maybe she's just not interested. The same way i am not interested in most girls.
All the things i didn't express when i was 13-14 are now surfacing, and i remember how some people used to think i'm incredibly mature for my age, and now i look back on that and think, you were all so wrong, look at me now, a psychological wreck hoping not to be a physical one as well.
I know nothing about this world, all i know is my own universe that revolves around me. All the things i've read in history books and biology books don't mean anything.