I'm reading old entries... though they aren't spell checked, i had this rich style of language i don't have anymore, funny to say but I'm jealous of myself. that self that read a whole lot and knew a whole lot and was much more confident of herself.

Today it hit me, how terrible I am at being a partner. I'm good for the good times, but I'm terrible for the bad times. I ignore problems, I walk away, I'm almost impossible to deal with. I should thank the last one for putting up with me for the better part of a 6 month relationship.

I was so private about our sexual-intimacy, and now because it's gone, I have this urge to spill it out in a vulgar way. That would make it stop being a part of me, since I won't have anything to do with vulgarities.  Since this place is absolutely private, I can go right ahead.

Favorite sexy moment:
3AM, we drove back, we're in my house, my brother's away and parents asleep. Sitting in the living room, there's some light-weight petting going on. I get up to check something on the computer, but i don't sit down, just bend a bit forward. He comes from behind, hugs me and puts his hand down my pants. I giggle and mumble something about just a second, and we have this passionate make-out untill we get into my room, where we undress almost violently and we have to kiss so that i won't scream.

Another favorite sexy moment:
His place, i'm sitting in his computer chair, he stands behind and above me, looking down, put his two hands in the cleavage and starts playing, at which point I say, not now, let's wait for the night

Favorite intimacy:
Hanging out in bed while naked. He sits up to talk on the phone, i stay laying down, he puts my legs one on each side of him, exploring curiously what he sees.

Favorite non-regular:
Showering together in a hostel during the trip abroad. Soaping each other and eventually almost shouting with pleasure.

Ok, this didn't turn out as vulgar as i thought.

It's been over a year since my last entry. How ironic that the last one concerns my non-need for a relationship, and this one concerns with my first heartbreak, resulted from the halt of a 6-months-relationship.
It was supposed to last forever i guess. It felt to me that we were so right for each other, we'd overcome any trouble whatsoever. So you know what they say, love can overcome anything. But if on his side it wasn't love, how could we overcome it? It's more trouble than it's worth.
I can't believe we're not together anymore, i can't believe he's not mine. It was so hard to get used to the fact that I'm in a relationship with a man, and to know it was basically for nothing, all that getting-used-to. I almost couldn't believe how much i trusted him, and the fact i could even imagine a whole life together. And the saddest part, he was entirely trustworthy, and he has not broken that. He didn't turn out as an asshole. In fact, it was the most beautiful breakup i could imagine. I guess we both knew it was coming, so when i came over we didn't kiss or hug, we just hanged out some. And after awhile started talking. And cuddled some, and continued talking. And had a nonsense-recess that was the best thing. And then some more holding onto each other, until i realized it was time i go. So i put back my shoes, put his birthday present on the chair. It was the saddest moment, i wanted to walk out and he wanted to hug, but i didn't want to look back because i knew I'd cry. i couldn't bring myself to say goodbye. I still think it was so sad to walk out like that, but would a real hug have helped me with?
I can't believe i'm crying this much. I didn't sign up for this.

It was so wonderful while it lasted.

that i'm simply not relationship material. this statement does not result of some sort of bad mood. just something i'm finally realizing about myself.


I'm getting to really like Joss Stone, though.

I broke up with her, and i know i had to,  but i still need the reinforcements that it was the decision to be made.

I also think this relationship thing is just not working for me, this whole thing should have been perfect, but it went downhill.

There's something so familiar about all this. Watching new L Word episodes online. Sort of showing myself it can happen and in a normative way.

"i wasn't raped, i was misunderstood"


I think i'm finally starting accept the past and let it be gone.


(4 months behind me, 20 to go!)

Homophobia to me is when it is suggested that it is a chosen condition, to which i am responsible for. You have no idea what it is to be me, and i certainly did alot to fight it off, and eventually we all grow up to realize, we can't fight who we are. so we bitterly understand that, lay down low, and pretend we're happy with who we are. we're not. but what can we do.
Don't you dare tell me it was my fault for being this way, nothing in my subconscious wants this.
Between the red pill and the blue pill, i'd choose the one who'd let me be fully heterosexual.

i just feel lonely and that's all. i haven't said that to myself in awhile.

truth is, i'm not at all that loner people think i am. i just don't know how to be close, and when i try, people find me strange.

i guess i got myself into this stage of being forgotten by every one.

i always have my home, i guess.

It just happens, i don't know why, i start crying and i can't pinpoint what's upsetting me, because any plausible reason is just not something that i care so much about. I'm easily irritated and would rather be alone.

in two and half weeks this poor little chicken is going to be a soldier. this poor little chicken went through hell yesterday trying to explain herself to the military and although did a fair job of it, it doesn't make it feel any better. i hate being prodded and there's always an affect for this sort of break into my privacy. i hate having to explain myself.


....
i'm strange and you don't know what to do about it, and you try to explain yourself and i try too, but it seems everyone else does so much of a better job at that than i do. i feel belittled and i'd rather stay in my shell than step out to be with you.
who are you trying to convince? the fact i may never have a relationship has stopped bothering me so long ago, it seems. why are you bothered? you'll probably end up in a nice loving relationship in which to grow old together. i still wonder if i ever want to see you again. who am i and who are you? you make me happy but you make me silent.  obviously it's not you, it's just the effect you spread in the atmosphere around us.  every time you tell me about someone else i imagine you're probably very happy together, in a way i'll probably never be. you make me feel a-sexual, a-social... but i would rather spend time with you than with anyone else. i wonder how i look through your eyes, what you think of me. why do you try to keep in contact with me? what's my supposed-role in your life? you seem to already have so many more people than i do. and i have no connection to any of them. we have no mutual friends or anything.

....

main problem right now is that i feel fat, ugly, and humiliated.

my mom wants to dress pretty but i don't want to, i don't feel pretty, and i don't want to go anywhere.

i hate the way people divide into two groups: those who try to change me, and those who oppose me changing at all. it doesn't matter which group you belong in, you just make me feel worse.


this is all silly. i just want to sleep and forget everything.